Does toddlerhood feel like one continuous, exhausting surprise party? Don’t worry you’re not alone! From tantrums to food battles, it can be challenging to find a sense of rhythm within the chaos. But there’s a secret weapon that can make your days more predictable: routines. Routines are a consistent sequence of events and activities, and they offer incredible benefits for both you and your little one.
In this post, we’ll delve into the importance of routines and how you can harness the power of applied behaviour analysis to establish and maintain them. If you want more detailed advice tailored to your family’s needs, or you want help incorporating routines as part of your early intervention program , then book a free consultation with us to see what services might be right for you.
Why use family routines?
Consistent family routines provide a multitude of benefits for both parents and children alike:
1. Less Decision-Fatigue
With a consistent family routine, you can cut down on the number of decisions you need to make throughout the day. When you’re sleep deprived and running on fumes and coffee, it can be a relief to have a set schedule for meals, activities, and bedtimes that you can do on auto-pilot.
2. Fewer Control Battles
When children know what to expect, they are less likely to challenge or resist their parents or resort to tantrums. For instance, if a child knows that the pack away song is always followed by washing hands for snack/mealtimes, they are more likely to cooperate with the process without much fuss.
Autistic children can also have a strong preference for routines and predictability, which can help them cope in an otherwise confusing world. Sometimes though, it can be to the point where they become extremely distressed when the routine changes, even slightly (like taking a different route to the park, or eating off a different plate). If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells or becoming overly anxious about your child’s reaction to minor deviations in your routine, it may be time to seek more support. While routines and predictability can be beneficial in maintaining stability, an excessive preoccupation with rigid schedules and an inability to adapt to small changes can indicate the need for professional assistance in the form of early intervention. Or, if the behaviours your child is resorting to in their distress are more dangerous to themselves or others, you may need behaviour support.
3. Supports Healthy Development
Consistent routines can scaffold children’s physical, social, and cognitive development. Regular mealtimes, for instance, create a safe and familiar context for children to explore and experiment with new foods. Similarly, set bedtimes support children to get the restorative sleep they need for optimal growth and development. Clear routines can also help reduce arguments between siblings when everyone knows what to expect.
But the benefits of routines extend beyond individual activities. They also make life easier for you, the parent, by streamlining daily tasks and promoting engagement in regular, healthy activities such as outings to the park or library. With established routines in place, these activities become less of an effort and more enjoyable for both you and your child.
4. Improves communication with your partner, if you have one
If you’re parenting with your partner, or co-parenting between households, routines can enhance coordination and communication between each other. If you’re both following the same routine, you don’t need to discuss it or plan it, you can just DO it, and everyone already knows their role. It can really help reduce misunderstandings and disagreements.
5. Strengthens the parent-child bond
Shared routines create opportunities for quality time between you and your children. When parents consistently engage with their children through routines like reading bedtime stories or going for walks together, they strengthen their connection and can create lasting memories. These positive interactions help your child feel loved and connected to you.
6. Helpful tool if your child has a developmental concern
If your child has a language delay, or other conditions affecting their development such as Autism or ADHD, then routines can be especially helpful. Using predictable routines can help your child understand what’s happening without needing to use language or needing them to maintain their attention for long periods of time.
How to Establish a New Routine
Ok, that sounds great, but how do you actually DO it? Maybe you’ve tried this before and it hasn’t worked? Or maybe it did work in the beginning, but then petered out? It’s true, it’s not easy to build a new habit or routine, so before you start adding rigid routines to your day, it’s important to remember that you’re going to need more than sheer willpower. I’m going to walk you through some behavioural science you can use to set yourself up for success when creating a new routine.
1. Work with your child’s motivation
Time your routines to work WITH your child’s motivation not against it. Take a moment to think about what your child is motivated to do at different times of day, and then build your routines around that:
Mealtimes: offer meals at a time your child is likely to be hungry, i.e. a few hours after their last meal. Ideally, NOT after they’ve eaten a bunch of snacks in the car on the way home.
Sleep: Start their bedtime routine at a time your child is likely to feel sleepy, i.e. several hours after a nap.
Physical Movement: Is your child full of beans in the morning? This might be a good time to have a routine of getting outside and running around. On the other hand, if your child is mellow in the mornings, maybe it’s better to plan to head outside in the afternoons.
Independent Play: Choose a time of day when your child is usually lower energy, and ideally after they’ve spent some time getting quality attention from you. It’s going to be really hard for a child to get absorbed in independent play when they’re craving connection with you.
2. Use chaining
You can make transitions smoother by using a technique called “chaining.” This means linking a new step in your routine to a behaviour your child already does consistently. Here are examples across different routines:
Mealtimes: Does your child already stand up when they’re done eating? Use this as the first step and teach them to then take their plate to the sink.
Physical Movement: Does your child often dance and sing along when music is playing? You can use this as the first step in the chain of some less preferred routines, like packing away toys, or putting shoes on to go out.
Sleep: Does your child always do a bowel movement after dinner? This could be a trigger to start the bedtime routine
Independent Play: Does your child naturally gravitate to the corner of the house where the toys are? This could be the first step before you start fading yourself out to give them some independent play time.
3. Use Behaviour Momentum
Behaviour Momentum is a tool we can use when we’re transitioning from a preferred activity (e.g. playing on the iPad) to a non-preferred activity (e.g. starting our bedtime routine). For example, rather than going straight from iPad to bed, you can add some in-between activities to try and gradually step up how difficult the task is for them.
While your child may tantrum transitioning from iPad to bedtime routine, they may be more willing to transition from playing on the iPad to watching a favourite video on the TV (it’s still screens, but further away, and more in your control). When the show is finished, bedtime may still be too much of a jump for them. Instead, they may be more likely to cooperate when you ask them them to come sit on your lap to snuggle/read a book. Now screens are away, but they’re still doing a preferred activity. Or, if they don’t want to do that, maybe they’d be willing to play with some toys – assuming they’re less preferred than the iPad or TV, we want to be stepping UP in difficulty, not down. When the book is finished, you might transition them to use the toilet, knowing they’ll probably need to go around now anyway. Now you’re in the bathroom, it’s much easier to start brushing their teeth. Once they’ve brushed their teeth, it’s easier to continue with the bedtime routine and get into their PJs and so on.
It can make it easier to break the transition into smaller steps and build up the difficulty gradually. Especially when you need to transition away from something as compelling as screen time!
4. Set the stage: Use a clear starting signal
A starting signal is something that happens that communicates to everyone that we’re moving from one thing to another during our day. The more obvious and salient, the better. Whether it’s a song, an object you bring out, or a designated cue like ringing a bell or turning on a special lamp, the signal serves as a powerful anchor that helps kids understand what’s going to happen and what’s expected of them. Here are some examples:
Mealtimes: Playing a pack-up song before washing hands and sitting at the table to eat.
Sleep: Turning the lights down low, and bringing out wind-down activities signals to your child that sleep is coming, and their body will start to prepare for that.
Independent Play: A clear cue for a child to start independent play could be YOU. That’s right, when you move to an area associated with “adulting” like your work desk, that can signal that your attention is not available. If you set up some enticing activities for your child to engage with without you, before moving to your desk, it can help them know what to expect. You could even bring out a visual sign to show you’re not available, like a red card/green card system or just a sign that says “busy-time”.
Physical Movement: Going outside is a very clear cue to run around. If it’s a rainy day, it could be bringing out cushions for rough-and-tumble play.
By incorporating a clear starting signal into your daily routines, you’re not just establishing structure and predictability; you’re creating a sense of anticipation and excitement for what’s coming next.
5. Repeat, Repeat, Repeat!
Repetition is your secret weapon when establishing a new routine. It might seem tedious at first, but sticking with the same steps, signals or songs day after day is what helps your child learn the pattern and start to anticipate what comes next. Preschools repeat their routines all the time, and notice how all the kids seem to know what to do, without much fuss from the educators!
Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself often, especially in the beginning! Think of it like learning a new song – the more you sing it, the more easily the lyrics flow by the end. Routines work the same way.
Putting it All Together
To finish up, here are some stories to illustrate how you can apply these simple tools in your parenting:
From Food Fights to Happy Bites
Mealtimes with her three-year-old, Ben, were a warzone. Tears, tantrums, and thrown food were the daily specials. Maya was exhausted and Ben was perpetually grumpy around mealtimes. Then, Maya’s Caregiver Coach recommended they start using mealtime routines.
She started small, picking one meal a day to focus on. She started with lunch, when he was likely to be hungriest. A cheerful song became their signal that playtime was ending and a yummy meal was coming. Ben even started helping set the table for lunch, putting his placemat and cup in the right spots.
The change wasn’t immediate. Ben still had picky moments and the occasional meltdown. But the battles were less intense. Ben seemed to like knowing what to expect and having small tasks to help with. Mealtimes were slowly morphing from a nightmare into a time they could actually enjoy together.
Jenna’s Journey: Finding Moments of Peace with Independent Play
Jenna loved her three-year-old, Sam, with all her heart, but his constant pleas of “Mummy, play with me!” were wearing her thin. She felt guilty every time she said no, but there was laundry to fold, meals to prepare, and at least a dozen emails that desperately needed her attention.
Jenna decided to try giving routines a go. She first observed Sam’s energy levels. He seemed most content after breakfast and a bit of outdoor playtime, but before he got too hungry for lunch. That seemed like the perfect window.
Next, she picked a clear starting signal – a “busy time” sign she drew that she was planning to put on the dining room table, within eyesight of Sam’s play area. Then, Jenna carefully set the stage. She gathered Sam’s favourite cars, some building blocks, and a pile of picture books into a designated play corner.
The first attempt was…interesting. When Jenna first told Sam it was “Busy Time”, Sam looked at her like she’d grown two heads. He whined and clung to her leg. But Jenna was prepared. She scooped him up for a big hug, reminding him, “Mumma has some quick things to do, but I’ll be back to play soon.” Then, she gently set him down in his play corner, offering some exciting car noises to catch his interest.
It took a few days. Sometimes Sam got distracted quickly, sometimes he would play for a blissful 10 minutes before the whining returned. Jenna persisted, always staying close by and offering gentle encouragement. Slowly, Sam began to expect “Busy Time”. He even started gravitating towards his play corner on his own between other activities.
It wasn’t a magic solution. Some days were still a struggle. But Jenna noticed those precious moments of independent play were growing longer. She could make a phone call, unload the dishwasher, even enjoy a hot cup of tea without interruption. And best of all, Sam seemed to be developing a sense of self-reliance and contentment.
Dave’s Dad Hack: From Outing Ordeals to Adventure Time
Getting out of the house with his two little whirlwinds, Ben and Sarah, felt like prepping for a space launch, not a trip to the park. Missing socks, meltdowns over the wrong colour cup… it was enough to make Dave want to stay inside forever.
Then he stumbled across the idea of using routines. Could it really be that simple? Desperate enough to try, Dave started with their weekly library trip. He made a silly chart with pictures that he brought out to start the routine – shoes on, water bottles in the bag, buckling up. The kids thought it was a game, ticking things off as they went.
Next, he invented their “Adventure Time” song. It was cheesy, with arm waving and everything, but it made them laugh and stopped them from squabbling the second they stepped outside. Were their outings suddenly perfect? Heck no. But they were…better. The kids knew what was coming, so there were fewer surprises and a lot less yelling (from everyone involved).
Feeling brave, Dave added more outings: the playground on sunny afternoons, or the local aquatic centre. Each trip had its own song or a special way the kids could “help.” It wasn’t about making them robots; it was about turning that chaotic energy into a fun challenge they were part of.
Need Help?
If all this sounds nice, but it feels overwhelming to do on your own, don’t worry, help is available. You can book a free consultation with us to find out how we can support you.
