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Parenting is full of joy, but it’s also incredibly challenging! Even the most confident parents face moments of uncertainty when it comes to their child’s behaviour. Are these extreme tantrums leaving the park just a phase? Is this defiance about which clothes to wear normal, or something more? How do you know if it’s a phase they’ll grow out of, or something that needs extra attention, like Early Intervention? We’ll help you figure it out.
In this article we’ll go through some signs that a child’s behaviour might be more than a typical toddler phase, and I’ll give you a Free Tantrum Tracker to use objective data to back up your decision about whether to seek support for your child.
First thing to remember is that every toddler is unique. While there are general patterns, what’s ‘normal’ can vary widely, and there hasn’t been enough research done about typical toddler behaviour. One 2022 study¹ that used parent reports found that in general:
It’s common for toddlers to yell, cry, stomp their feet, or fall to the ground during a tantrum.
A toddler tantrum is like a little storm. It starts with some grumbles and tears (like the first drops of rain), gets bigger and louder (kind of like thunder and lightning!), and then finally starts to calm down. Afterward, your little one might feel tired and a bit quieter for a while, just like the sun peeking out after the rain. A little while later, when the sun is shining again, it’s almost as though the storm never happened.
If you’re not sure whether your child’s behaviour is typical for toddlerhood, here are some general guidelines to help you know when you should be concerned:
Every child deserves to be understood and celebrated for who they are, and some kids may need different supports than others to thrive, and that’s okay. Here is a list of behaviours that one study found were associated with children who later received clinical diagnoses like autism, ADHD, depression, or others2.
Remember, this list is NOT a diagnosis tool, but it can help you decide if your child might benefit from extra behaviour support or early intervention.
Are your child’s tantrums REGULARLY lasting more than 25 minutes?
Does your toddler have more than 5 tantrums a day when they’re outside of the home and has this persisted for several days in a row?
By this, I mean it’s sustaining longer than what often happens for short phases during things like teething, a growth spurt , or when they’re sick.
Does your child CONSISTENTLY engage in aggressive behaviours towards caregivers, or property destruction during tantrums?
Things like:
Is your child not able to calm themselves following a tantrum without your help?
Do you feel like you have to use treats or rewards just to help them come back down after getting upset?
Does your child engage in ANY self-injurious behaviours such as:
I would encourage you to talk to your GP or paediatrician if your child engages in ANY self-injurious behaviour.
The more red flags your child has, the more likely it is that your child will benefit from professional support or Early Intervention. If in doubt, book an appointment with your GP or paediatrician to get a professional opinion.
If these challenges are making it hard for your child to learn and grow, talk to your child’s doctor about a developmental screening.
Does your little one struggle to get across what they need from you? It can be so frustrating for toddlers when they want to tell you something, but you just don’t know what they mean! Imagine how upset you’d feel if you needed something and couldn’t ask for it – that might be why toddlers with communication delays have especially big tantrums.
One 2019 study in the Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology found that late talkers were twice as likely to have severe tantrums3. In this study, late talkers were kids who didn’t start talking by 12 months or hadn’t said 50 words or started putting two words together by 18 months.
If your child isn’t meeting they’re communication milestones, it’s worth seeking out Early Intervention so they can learn easier ways to get their needs met, and so hopefully don’t need to resort to having severe tantrums.
Does it feel like you can’t leave the house without planning everything down to the minute just to avoid a meltdown? Maybe your little one only has a big tantrum once a week, but that’s because you’re walking on eggshells and rearranging your whole life around trying to keep things calm. It’s totally normal to avoid situations that are hard for toddlers (like grocery shopping), but does it feel like you’re missing out on the parts of life that matter most? Fun with friends, time with family, or a date night with your partner? If this is the case for you, talk to your GP or paediatrician about whether behaviour supports might benefit your family.
This can be a confronting conversation, and it’s really common for parents to feel angry or defensive when they first hear this news. Remember, Early Childhood Educators spend significant time around children and are well-placed to notice when things aren’t going as expected. While hearing concerns can be upsetting, remember, your provider isn’t judging your parenting, they want your child to succeed.
To make sure you’re all on the same page about your kid’s behaviour, it’s important to have a heart-to-heart with your child’s teacher. Try to ask for specific examples of what your kid is doing that’s different from what they’d expect. This will help you figure out the best way to move forward, which might include seeking a professional assessment or looking into behaviour support services.
Listen to your gut. If you’re feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by the constant struggle, or worried that you’re not equipped to help your child, don’t dismiss those feelings. Those worried feelings don’t mean you’re failing, they mean you’re an awesome parent who wants the best for your child! Seeking behaviour support could ease that overwhelm and help you feel more equipped.
When you’re worried about your child, it’s scary, but there’s help. Start by talking to your GP, paediatrician or even psychologist, to get a professional opinion. They can also help you pursue a diagnosis, if that’s relevant for you or your child.
It can be a scary and uncertain time when your child is struggling and you don’t know how to help them. So make sure you’re drawing on your own support networks as well. Reach out to friends and family who you can talk to about what’s going on. Is there someone who can watch the kids while you organise appointments, or take the afternoon off to get a break? This is a marathon, not a sprint, so make sure you have what you need.
Regardless of whether you end up with a diagnosis, early intervention can be a great place to start to help you and your child get back on track and thriving.
Early intervention refers to services that give extra support for kids with any kind of challenge both big and small. It’s where you and your child learn new skills that make life easier and help you do more of the things that bring both of you joy. Professionals who usually deliver early intervention include:
Depending on your family’s needs, other professionals like social workers, neurologists, counsellors, dietitians or others may also be involved. Research shows that getting help early on can make a big difference for kids who are having behavioural issues, developmental delays, or disabilities such as Autism.
Depending on the needs of your child, you might reach out to a variety of professionals for support, such as a Speech Pathologist, Psychologist, or Certified Behaviour Analyst.
Here at Beehive Supports, we created our 12-week Parent-Led Behaviour Support Program to help children with emerging behaviour problems.
Sometimes, the NDIS will provide funding for early intervention. For information check out the NDIS website.
Autism Connect: National autism helpline – 1300 308 699
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 46 36
Caregiver Gateway: 1800 422 737
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Applying to access NDIS: 1800 800 110
Raising children network: The Australian Parenting Website
1. van den Akker, A. L., Hoffenaar, P., & Overbeek, G. (2022). Temper tantrums in toddlers and preschoolers: Longitudinal associations with adjustment problems. Journal of developmental and behavioral pediatrics, 43(7), 409-417. https://doi.org/10.1097/DBP.0000000000001071
2. Belden, A. C., Thomson, N. R., & Luby, J. L. (2008). Temper tantrums in healthy versus depressed and disruptive preschoolers: defining tantrum behaviors associated with clinical problems. The Journal of pediatrics, 152(1), 117–122. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jpeds.2007.06.030
3. Manning, B, Roberts, M., Estabrook, R., Petitclerc, A., Burns, J., Briggs-Gowan, M., Wakschlag, L., Norton, E. (2019). Relations between toddler expressive language and temper tantrums in a community sample. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 65. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.appdev.2019.101070